Fictional Humour: If the Rebels Folded

Posted July 22, 2013

Fictional Humour: If the Rebels Folded

This article was submitted on the condition of anomytity and meant to be a humerous look if the Village of Ryley fell out of favour with the Rebels and they did not find an alternate venue, thus a comical look at what would happen if the team went into a dispersal draft. Article submitted by PBL Prognosticator.

Despite the suggestions to the contrary in a recent article on this website, I have looked into my crystal ball and now see that the Rebels will fold this winter after doing an honest reassessment of various players commitment and an ongoing mythical rumour of village vs. team strife. Although the league is sad to see the team go, President Steve Pahl is quick to schedule a 2-round dispersal draft April 8, 2014 in conjunction with the league’s annual spring meeting. Luckily my crystal ball was kind enough to share the results. Here is what will happen:

With the first pick in the dispersal draft the Beaumont Angels add former all-star hurler and Rebels batting champ Craig Koughan to the mix, instantly propelling the team into playoff-contender status.

On the cusp of a relocation from the metropolis of Camrose to the village of Round Hill, the Roadrunners make the first big splash of the day by dealing the second overall pick to the Armena Royals for Round Hill product and 5 game winner Ian Sherbanik, the hard-throwing but ill-tempered Kyle Ellis, and the exclusive negotiating rights to unrestricted free agent Clark Banack, whom they hope to talk out of retirement and join the remaining Banack clan. The Royals then use the second pick of the draft to add some right handed-thunder to bat behind All-star Dean Prpick by selecting former Rebels First Basemen Kyle Reinholt, gambling that a change of scenery can return him to 2009-2010 form.

With the 3rd pick, the Bardo Athletics stun observers by selecting veteran fire-baller and soon to be first ballot PBL hall-a-famer Don Oslund, a move that seems to belie the obvious youth movement taking place in Bardo and clearly indicates manager Craig Neufeld’s contention that the Athletics are within striking distance to reclaiming the PBL title in 2014.

With the 4th pick in the draft, Leduc manager Steve Pahl goes off the board by adding Blake Helgeland, a youngster who has shown obvious promise but was not expected to go in the first round. The forward-thinking Pahl would later explain that the veteran club felt it to be very important to come away with young and inexpensive arms, especially with the current Collective Bargaining Agreement set to expire at the end of the 2014 season and talks of a hard salary cap in the air.

With the 5th pick in the draft, the Armena Royals add another slugger named Reinholt in the form of Kevin, who provides another proven catcher and, perhaps more importantly, some fire, grit, and beer-consuming capabilities to the roster, something manager Jason Buzzell was convinced the team required.

With the final pick in the first round, the 2013 regular season champion Holden Blue Jays select the versatile veteran Cory Epp. Sources later confirmed that the Jays were ecstatic to find Epp available at the 6th slot after a number of pre-draft publications listed him as a potential top-3 pick. The pick was also cheered by fans of the team who have a particular penchant for players 150 lbs or less.

With the first pick in the second round, the Beaumont Angels select veteran catcher Dustin Solberg with the hope that his offensive resurgence in 2013 carries over to 2014.

After trying unsuccessfully to trade the Roadrunners second round pick as well, manager Josh Banack selects the clutch-hitting veteran Brian Tavaroli who instantly improves the teams shaky infield defense and provides another arm to a rotation that lacked depth this season. 

With the third pick in the second round, the Bardo Athletics make the surprising announcement that their intense hatred for Ryley prevents them from adding any other former Rebels to their team. The team’s reluctance to have anyone else from the league join their exclusive club also precludes them from trading the pick and President Pahl awkwardly announces that there will be no pick in this slot. Cameras pan to Pete Rogers nodding his approval in the audience.

With the 4th pick in the second round Pahl returns to the podium to announce the Milleteers have selected Tyson Schielke, another inexpensive and controllable player the team envisions becoming quite valuable should the owners institute a salary cap following the 2014 season. Commentators are perplexed at the Milleteers reluctance to scoop-up a more proven bat in this draft.

With the 5th pick in the second round, the Armena Royals were pleased to select Kris Kushnerick, the hard-hitting outfielder and occasional chucker who now returns for his second tour of duty in the hamlet off of Highway 21. Buzzell was overjoyed that Kushnerick, another potential top 3 pick, was still available so late in the draft. Commentators agree that, not only have the Royals added 3 big bats to the lineup in this draft, the addition of Kushnerick gives them the strongest website story-writing duo in the league by a wide margin.

With the final pick in the dispersal draft, the Holden Blue Jays take a flyer on former all-star Dylan Solberg who, if committed to a full season, could easily be the draft’s biggest steal.

At the conclusion of the draft President Pahl declared all remaining Rebels unrestricted free agents. At press time a number of minor league deals with invitations to spring training were being bandied about at the Canadian Brewhouse in Camrose, although no final announcements were made.

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Jason Buzzell

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